My Roommate Is A Serial Killer

2005-04-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

Special update by my girlfriend:

It's always strange, being at my boyfriend's place for extended amounts of time without once seeing his creepy roommate. I mean, the apartment can't be but 1000 square feet. How is it possible that I can stay over a whole weekend and not see him once when he's there the whole time? It's nuts. He avoids us like the plague. This past Saturday we were coming home from watching the brilliant "Sin City" and as we opened the door we caught sight of Freako (my nickname for him) making a break for it. He was running to his room from the living-room is his underwear. The sight was complemented by the slamming of his bedroom door. Me and my boyfriend just looked at each other like "What the fuck was that?". To help Freako in his cause, we have learned to just stay in our room. This doesn't help as he still refuses to eat anywhere but in his bedroom and never enters the living-room unless it's to walk out of the apartment in slow-motion. So fuck it, we start hanging out in the living-room again, he obviously has no use for it. We're out there and he goes back and forth from his bedroom to his bathroom over and over again. It's like 3 in the morning. Back and forth until it's beyond ridiculous. I look at my boyfriend who seems oblivious to the absurdity of it. He must be used to these antics by now. I hear him open his bedroom door, scurry to the restroom and slam the door, he stays in for a couple of minutes, then goes back to his room and slams his door. REPEAT. he must of done it about 7 or 8 times. The next day me and the boyfriend are laying in bed after some hot sex. The blinds are lifted a little ways so that the kitties can look out the window. We see Freako open the door in slow motion. He's wearing his underwear, a Hawaiian shirt, tube socks and sneakers. He also has a briefcase with him. I motion for my boyfriend to look. "Where the hell is he going dressed like that?" I asked. "With his briefcase no less?". My boyfriend just shook his head. Freako stood in the doorway about 30 seconds facing our window. I got scared he could see or hear us. He then slowly closed the door and locked it. I could hear him stomp down each step very slowly. It was scary. About 20 minutes later it was time for me to go home. Boyfriend walked me downstairs to my car and we see that Freako is still parked next to me. He never left.

2005-03-17T13:56:00.000-08:00

My roommate asked if he could borrow a hat, and before I could hand him mine, he asked if they have hats at the corner store. I said yes, and he left, then returned with an identical hat to mine.

My girlfriend was over, and she was trying to be nice and talked to him while he was eating (standing up of course) in the kitchen. They talked for maybe 30 seconds before she realized that he had a raging hard on.

A friend of mine came over and he convinced my roommate to go out with us. He wanted to see my roommate "on the hunt." He didn't disappoint, as he attempted to infiltrate a bachelorette party. That went horribly. Later, we went to one of his frequent haunts, and wow, that place really, really, really fucking sucked. I was embarassed to be there. We watched him hit on some ugly chicks. A lot. And he still struck out.

He never gave a rose to his dream girl.

His brother-in-law came to visit. They went out drinking, and the brother-in-law never came back. He was supposed to stay the night. I think he's dead.

2005-02-17T18:54:00.000-08:00

My roommate broke down yesterday. He told me his life story ("obviously, you understand, I have to water down parts of it" he said). His evil stepfather. His evil mother. It went on and on. fortunately, my girlfriend called, and as soon as I answered it, he scurried back into his room.

Of course, he just got a phone call, so he's talking in his loudest voice in the living room.

2005-02-14T21:53:00.000-08:00

My roommate didn't have a valentine. Shocker, I know. But he, by god, has a plan. Friday night, my girlfriend was coming over, so I tried to talk him into asking out one of his friends. He couldn't do it; it'd compromise his "friendship." Maybe he's gay. Anyway, I managed to talk into him that there were many, many desperate girls out this holiday, and that they'd be easy pickens. Maybe I shouldn't have tempted him with sweet, sweet murder, but it got him out of the house. Thankfully, he came back emptyhanded. That's not going to stop his masterplan, though.
There's a girl he's in love with, you see. And she knows; she sat right in front of him in class. She's got to know what he feels for her. So he's going to bring a solitary rose to her. In class. The day AFTER Valentine's Day. I'll keep you posted to see just how well this masterplan goes. Considering he doesn't even know her name. Considering that she has a boyfriend. Considering that she has no idea who he is. Oh man, it's going to be great.

2005-02-09T01:10:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in the living room, just watching TV and eating when my roommate came out of his room. I didn't even know that he was home. He walked in slow-motion to the living room where I was and placed his backpack on a chair, then, in slow-motion, into the kitchen, then out again, still in slow-motion, grabbing the mail in slow-motion I had left for him on a different chair, then back to the kitchen, still in slow-motion, then back out, standing perfectly still for a moment, then, in slow-motion, picked up his backpack (but didn't put it on; he just carried it, yes, in slow-motion) and then walked out the door, in slow-motion, and locked the door from outside, in slow-motion. He never acknowledged me once. Hell, knowing him, he was probably driving his car in slow-motion.

2005-02-09T01:07:00.000-08:00

The other day, my roommate called me over to his room. Right after, I heard a great crashing, and then my roommate cursing. I go over to his room, and he was attempting to hang up his knife collection on his walls in a decorative fashion. One knife, however, was on the wall his bed was against. "Don't you think that might be a bad idea, considering your knives are already falling off the walls?" I said. "Nah," he replied, right as another knife fell off another wall. I guessing that this is a cry for help.

2005-01-31T21:37:00.000-08:00

My roommate was to go on a blind date this past weekend. He was excited. "Did they tell you that she has a great personality?" I asked. "Yes, as a matter of fact, they did!" Dear god. He had no idea that that really means humongously, morbidly fat. He even ironed a shirt for the first time in ages. He was so excited.

He got stood up anyway.

2005-01-31T21:24:00.000-08:00

My roommate told me something, but it was under the utmost of confidence. So I guess I can't share it.

2005-01-25T20:33:00.000-08:00

When my girlfriend comes over, my roommate typically hides in his room the entire time. It works out pretty decent for me, usually. Of course, there are those showdowns whenever my girlfriend, for whatever reason, ends up alone with him in the living room, with no one speaking or even acknowledging the other is even there. Anyway, my girlfriend and I were on the couch, watching a movie, when I heard his door open. I assumed he was probably going to the bathroom, to the washing machine, or to the kitchen, but, instead, he peeked out from around the corner and said,
"Hey Roomie! did you read about the UFO thing in the USA Today?" "Um, no." 'well, if you get the chance, you gotta go to UFOIndia.org." "Um, okay."
And then he went back to his room (not to the bathroom, not to the kitchen, not to the washing machine; he literally just came out of his room just to tell me that. Seriously.), and I didn't see him for the rest of the weekend.

2005-01-25T20:03:00.000-08:00

My roommate has a new trick. Whenever he gets a phone call, which is quite rare, he comes out into the living room and talks as loudly as he can. I think he's trying to let me know that he does have friends. I still don't believe him. He's probably just pretending to be on the phone.

2005-01-25T19:58:00.000-08:00

The other day, my roommate inquired if I had Dante's Inferno. I did, and I pointed to the bookshelf. He headed over, head cocked to one side, and looked at every book on the shelf before finding it. He then, instead of taking the book over to his room or something else like that, just sat down cross-legged in front of the bookshelf. I was watching TV, so I wasn't going anywhere, but he just sat there, reading. For like an hour. He then put the book back carefully, and walked back to his room without another word.

2005-01-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

My roommate was walking around all day without a shirt on. Maybe it's because he was doing laundry. He's always doing laundry. Maybe he ran out of clean shirts, and thought, "gee, I just shaved my chest, why don't I parade it around?" He mentioned that we don't go out enough, and that we should go to all his favorite bars. I'm not sure if helping him choose his next kill is what I would necessarily call a happenin' night.

2005-01-13T22:18:00.000-08:00

The other cat's been gone since before the new year. Yesterday, my roommate came up to me and said, "Hey, I haven't seen the little cat around lately. Is he hiding in your room?" He's been gone since before I left for the holidays. My roommate put his head down, then walked away without another word.

2005-01-10T08:19:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend and I were backing out of the parking space (in her car, so we were unrecognizable) when my roommate raced by and parked. I don't know if he could see me, but he was attempting to negotiate a large bundle out of his passenger seat. It looked difficult to carry, and decently heavy. His eyes flitted back and forth nervously, as if he was afraid he'd get caught. His eyes almost seemed to meet mine, so we made a hasty getaway.

When we came back, there was one baby sock on the sidewalk where there wasn't one before.

2005-01-10T08:15:00.000-08:00

I was in my room, in the dark, with my girlfriend, in bed. Still, there was a knock: "hey Roomie, I need to talk to you, when you get the chance." What? Is this the moment I've been waiting for? He's telling me he's moving out? He's going to show me the body in his closet? He's telling me he's going to have to turn himself in?

So I go out to see what's going.

"Hey, I'm ready to go half on the internet, now," he said.

Welcome to the motherfucking 21st fucking century.

Later, I am cleaning out the fridge (my fault, not his), and he beckons me into his room. "I want to show you something." Should I get my hopes up that it's the body in the closet? Of course not. "Look, my new stereo," he says. It's a glorified boombox. "All the nice things in my room, well, they were given to me. What does that say about me?" "You must be loved." I said, given the paucity of anything nice in his room.

2005-01-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

"Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas?" I asked. "And then some." "That's good." "Yeah. She didn't even struggle."

2005-01-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

I was just reminded of this earlier today:
Prior to the holidays, my roommate told me that one of the things he was going to do when he got back in January was that he was going to have the apartment managers come fix a light in the dining area. "This light?" I said, before clicking it on. It was a rheostat, a dimmer that you could adjust the amount of light going through. The trick, though, was that to turn it on, you had to push it in; this, apparently, was too much for my roommate to comprehend.

2005-01-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

It's been such a wonderful vacation. The holidays. Seeing the family. Not being in close proximity to a psychotic, sociopathic lunatic. How sad it is that this will soon be ending. I'm back in the apartment, and it's only a matter of time before he arrives. Since I've been here alone, I've been stilling myself for every step I hear coming up the stairs. What if it's him? What do I do? No, he's still not here, but that hasn't stopped me from being terrified. I can't stop looking over my shoulder, looking out the window, or muting the TV or stereo for any unknown sound.

Plus, there's an odd smell. I'm not sure if it's the dishes he hasn't washed since before he left for the holidays or if it's a dead body decomposing in his closet. No, I don't want to check to find out.

2004-12-16T18:38:00.000-08:00

Right after my roommate moved in, he called me over to his room. You see, he had something to show me. I really didn't know what to expect, so I headed over. "I've gotta show you my knife collection." Excuse me? "Yeah! You remember in Spider-Man, when Harry finds out that Spider-Man is Peter Parker? Remember the knife he has?" Um, no. "Well here it is! And I've had this forever, too! When I saw it, I totally freaked!" Okay. "This is my Viking Knife. My dad gave it to me. It's one of my prized possessions. Look at the size of this blade. Got a good grip, it stays sharp and everything." Okay. "But this one, this is my favorite." He pulls out a flip-out, serrated, evil-looking knife that looks like something wielded by Rambo or Bennett from Commando, but folds small enough and safely enough to carry in his back pocket. "This thing ... this is a thing of beauty. This is so sharp ... it's amazing. I love this knife." I start to back away. "Cool, huh?"

Or something.

2004-12-14T21:18:00.000-08:00

Animals hate my roommate. When he walks in the parking lot, all the dogs that are being walked stop to bark at him. If I'm home and he's coming up the stairs, the cacophony of dog barks, yelps and whimpers alert me to his impending entrance. My cats hate him especially. One likes to take a shit outside his room door. The other snuck into his room and carefully peed on as many clothes as he could. I don't blame them. However, it does make me worry to leave them there in his presence. What can I do?

2004-12-13T18:03:00.000-08:00

My roommate asked if my last final was on Wednesday. Thursday, I corrected him. He sounded disappointed. "I was hoping that you and (my friend) and I could go to a strip joint or something." Yeah, maybe later. Much later. Why doesn't he go with his friends? Oh, that's right. He has no friends.

2004-12-13T17:59:00.000-08:00

On more than one occasion, I've sat at home, either watching TV, or fooling around with video games, and my roommate decided it'd be a good idea to come out of his room and sit on the floor of the living room. I'd make small talk, but nothing that ever led to any deep discussion or anything. Then, my roommate would lie down on his back, hands together on his abdomen as if he was dead and in a casket, and fall asleep. When he first did this, I thought he was just getting comfortable. After about an hour, I started to think something was up. He then rolled over onto his side. He was very clearly sound asleep. I turned off the TV, and slowly crept to my room. He then woke up very startled, grabbed his keys, and left the apartment without saying a word.

2004-12-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I left the house, and my roommate was sitting on the floor with his laptop. I came back, some six hours later, and he was still in the same spot. He was on the phone, at least (this happens rarely ... I don't think I've ever even heard the thing ring), and he was talking and laughing with whoever was on the other line. I hid in my room. After a while, it got quiet. So I went back out to the kitchen to get some dinner, but he was still there. As I walked by, he started popping his neck violently. I asked him if he'd been there all day, and he said, "no, I got up to eat." I ate my food, and he sat there, the whole time. I watched a bit of TV, and he got up, sat next to me on the couch, then got back up and went back to his laptop, then back to his room. No words were exchanged at any time. I went back to my room and locked the door.

2004-12-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

My roommate has decided he needs to start his own blog. Or B-Log, as he calls it.

2004-12-01T15:27:00.000-08:00

Today I was playing video games in the living room. He came out and sat next to me for a bit, then left, bringing back his laptop, where he began playing Rome: Total War. For a while there, we did the competing soundtrack thing, but I put mine on mute. After a while, not more than ten minutes, he packed his computer up and sat down in another chair, far enough away to not have to engage in conversation. This chair was immediately perpendicular to me, so he was looking straight at me, while I was still looking at the TV. For another ten minutes, he just sat there, not saying a word, not moving a muscle, appearing to be deep in thought. I finally broke the silence and asked him if it was cold outside, and he said "Yeah" very quickly, then picked up his backpack and laptop and left the house, without saying anything else.

2004-11-29T20:13:00.000-08:00

I ran into my roommate in a public restroom recently. I was washing my hands when he walked in. He was ONLY washing his hands. In fact, he turned the water on, rinsed, soaped, then dried with paper towels. The water was still running while he was drying his hands. He then started to wash his hands again. He never said one word to me the entire time.

2004-11-29T08:04:00.000-08:00

I was half-awake as I was leaving this morning. There was no sign of my roommate. I shuffled out and closed the door. I was locking the door when the door suddenly flew from my key and my roommate walked out. He said a few things in that faux excitedness that he does; none of which that registered with my zombified state, though. I closed the door, locked it, then realized something else to my horror:
He was wearing the same shirt I was.

2004-11-28T20:54:00.000-08:00

I'm looking over my shoulder right now.

2004-11-28T20:49:00.000-08:00

You may ask, "How did you end up with a serial killer for a roommate?" Well, normally, I'm the crazy one. I'm the one that stays up all night for no good reason. I'm the one that wakes up early after staying up. I'm the one that is really, really messy. So I just didn't think it'd be a problem. My old roommate moved out, and I was in a bind to find a new roommate. I put an ad in an internet housing forum, and, well, he didn't respond, but he put a very similar ad. I responded to him, and we met, and he didn't talk much. I was more concerned that he be able to put up with me and my quirks, not the other way around. The rest, I guess, is history. Further proof that the internet is a dark, dreary, evil place that any one with a soul should fear.

2004-11-25T18:23:00.000-08:00

My roommate has a criminal record.

2004-11-23T18:40:00.000-08:00

There was this new girl that we were all starting to hang out with, and I introduced her to my roommate. They really didn't hit it off, but he asked her out to breakfast, and she agreed. They went to some breakfast place, where he informed her that he ate no dairy products and shaved his chest. She was somewhat creeped out by that. Afterwards, he asked her what she was doing that night.
She said: "Oh, I don't know, probably going out with _____ & ______" (names witheld to protect the innocent).
He said: "Oh."
She said: "Why, what's up?"
He said: "Oh, it's nothing."
She said: "Seriously, it looks like there's something on your mind."
He said: "Well, it's just that ... well, I'll come out and say it: I get insanely jealous when I see you talking to other guys."
She really couldn't say anything after that.

2004-11-23T18:38:00.000-08:00

My roommate has informed me that he has only had one serious relationship, and that the majority of the girls he's ever dated were one night stands. I'm assuming, of course, that it's awfully difficult to go on a second date with a girl if she's dead.

2004-11-23T18:31:00.000-08:00

It was a long night of drinking, but I made it home. A buddy of mine was crashing on the couch, and I figured it wouldn't be a big deal. The next morning, my roommate woke up and silently began to leave. He then noticed my buddy on the couch. My roommate stared at him for five minutes until he woke up. Then my roommate left without saying a word.

2004-11-23T18:03:00.000-08:00

I was in desperate need of doing some laundry, but, as usual, my roommate had yet another load in the washer and dryer. He is constantly doing laundry. For a single guy, he sure does a lot of laundry. Finally, he left, and I seized my opportunity to do some get some clothes washed. However, when I opened up the dryer, there was only a single hand towel.

2004-11-23T18:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was typing up an outline and had the TV on in the living room when my roommate came home. We were just talking normally, and then he put his head down on the counter and didn't move or talk for five minutes. He finally lifted up his head and informed me that he was going to go see a movie. He then walked out the door without another word.